06 Jun 2010

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Posted 06 Jun 2010 17:54
Last edited 18 Jun 2010 05:06
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The Buck Next Door: Chapeter 1: The New Neighbor

Steve walked down the sidewalk, the dead leaves churching under his hoofs. As he walked, the autumn wind gently whipped his loose-fitting plaid shirt , causing his tan chest fur to dance lightly in the wind .He was almost to his mailbox when he saw the moving van next door. "Huh. I must have a new neighbor." Steve said to himself. "Perhaps I should go say hello."
Steve walked up the path to the house and shuffled past the brown, cardboard boxes that where scattered about on the front porch. He quietly knocked on the door three times. There was no answer. Just as Steve was leaving, he heard a deep, rugged voice from inside the house yell. "It's open! Come on in."
Steve opened the door and walked into the crowded, box-filled living room. He stood there for a few seconds, looking at his surroundings. One of the boxes had a piece of paper on the side of it that read "High School Trophies". He was still looking around when he heard a voice from behind him say "Hello! How are you?"
Steve turned around and saw that the owner of the voice was a large, tan -colored buck. He was about a foot taller than Steve, and had bigger, darker antlers than what Steve had. He wore a green muscle shirt that showed off his rippling muscles. He also wore a pair of short, cut off blue jeans that showed off his muscular legs. The large bucked smiled at Steve.
"My name is Greg.", the large buck said. "You're my next door neighbor aren't you?"
" Y..Yes. M..My name is Steve." Steve said with a quiver in his voice.
"Nice to meet you, Steve.", Greg said with a smile on his face. "Have you lived here long?"
"Only about a year." Answered Steve.
"That's cool." Greg replied. "How do you like it here?"
"It's ok. It can be a bit boring at times. There's really not a lot to do around here."Steve answered.
"Aren't there any bars that you can go to?" Greg asked.
"Well, there are a few bars in town, but I don't drink." Steve replied.
"Oh , I see." Said Greg.
"Well maybe we could hang out sometime. If you're up to it, that is."
"R..really?" Steve asked. No one had ever asked to hang out with him.
"Sure. How about tomorrow night? You could show me around the town." Greg said.
"O..okay..." Steve said shyly.
"Wondeful! I'll meet you at your house at 8 o'clock." Greg said. See you then.
"O..ok." Steve replied, his face turning a bright red.
Steve nervously said goodbye to his new neighbor .Then he left the house and quickly ran over to house. As he closed the door, he began to worry. He had realized he was blushing during the whole conversation with his new neighbor and this made him feel awful.
As he went to bed, he worries still haunted him. He lay there awake for a good while thinking about how he was going to get through tomorrow evening without blowing his cover. Or had it already been blown. Did Greg know Steve's secret? Did he know that that Steve was gay?

Combustion 3 years ago 0
Grey Knight 3 years ago 0
I think you have a very interesting story here, this should be quite the story. I would like to make some suggestions though, firstly please space your paragraphs, it makes everything much easier to read. Also whenever a character talks make sure its a whole new sentence.

You should also try to stay away from too much "and then..." stuff, instead allow the story to flow. Don't just narrate the story you need to allow the characters actions speak for themselves. One important thing to remember is to try to use the same word as few times as possible. One example of this is when you describe Greg's physique, what you could have done is the following:

The new buck stood easily a foot taller than Steve, his antlers were darker and more developed. His green muscle shirt barely contained his rippling muscles, and from one look at the larger buck's legs, which were only just covered by his jean shorts, Steve could tell that this buck spent many hours at the gym. The large bucked smiled at Steve.

Instead of describing what Greg is wearing you can instead describe it through Steve's eyes, you should try to allow the reader to view the world from the eyes of the main character. Try, when ever possible, to refrain from simply listing what a character is wearing or what they are doing. The story should flow and when you have too many "and then" the story does not flow.

Again instead of telling us that something happened show us:

Steve nervously said goodbye to his new neighbor .Leaving the house as quickly as he could while still being polite, Steve could barely restrain his desire to sprint home. Entering the cool confines of his front hall, Steve leaned back against the door. Suddenly a horrifying though hit him, he had been blushing the entire time. Realizing this he groaned inwardly, he had had enough trouble making friends once people discovered he was gay (I am just rambling here, I am sure you have your own reasons for his concern) It was even more difficult when said neighbour realized Steve had fallen for them.

These are just suggestions I hope I have not offended you, and that you do find them to be useful. I do not pretend to be a great writer, or even a good writer, but I have been given advice by others much more talented than myself, and most have said what I have suggested to you.

I sincerely wish you the best of luck with your writing.