This chapter was by far the hardest to write. I think im going to go cry now.
It all happened so fast. It's almost unreal. I sat on that couch for what must have been hours, thinking about everything that had happened hours earlier. After a while, I felt numb, couldn't feel any emotion. My anger towards Alex eventually evaporated, leaving nothing. Revenge had all but flown from mind. I saw no point in getting revenge, even though he took Seigi away from me. I felt like an empty shell, nothing put a ghost, going through the motions of living. There was no sadness, no anger, just a feeling of nothing; that no one was there to care, no one there to put feeling back into me. Some people say that feeling nothing would be the best case scenario, but for me, it was my own version of a personal Hell. I felt completely, utterly empty. I remembered what I was thinking about earlier, before all this took place. "Let something go, and if it really loves you, it will come back. Like that's going to happen. Seigi left me on grounds he wasn't even sure of, let alone me. I know him well enough. He doesn't even know why he left me." I felt like I was insane, talking to myself, but it was better than the excruciating silence of the hotel room. "On Christmas day, no less! We were engaged like, what, five hours? Sometimes, I wonder why I even love that wolf." As soon as I said this, my mind and memories reminded me why I loved him. His smiles, his warm embrace, even the way he acted around me, were all reasons I loved him. He loved me back too, at least up until late. "How fucking convenient that I told him our love wouldn't last, and then he goes and runs off with someone new. That seems.......... seems almost too convenient. Does he really not love me anymore, or was he trying to get away, so when he stops loving me, he won't have to deal with it. If that's the case, then he's a fucking wimp." My mind raced, trying to find words to describe Seigi, but one word kept popping up again and again. "Beautiful." I whispered the word, and I instantly felt bad for calling Seigi a wimp. The depression, the one that I had been trying to subdue for years, was starting to rear its ugly head. Right now, I felt completely bipolar. One minute, I was thinking how much I hate Seigi, how much I want to get revenge on Alex, and the next I'm thinking about how much I love Seigi and how I want to be the better person here. It was agonizing, sitting on this couch, waiting for nothing. I thought about how I would never feel Seigi's touch again, never be able to hug him with the passion that only two lovers can have. It was all too much. I got up from the couch, going to the kitchen, tripping over my own paws as I walked. I was a wreck, and I couldn't bear living like this. I stumbled up to the knife holder sitting on the counter, and pulled out the biggest knife I could find. I examined it, repeatedly twirling it in my paws, observing my reflection on the shiny metallic surface. The Husky that stared back at me wasn't me, but someone who had been beaten down, broken, and was on the verge of insanity. This image didn't stay long though, as I spat at it and held the knife up to my throat. I pushed the knife hard against my throat, but something held the knife at bay. I realized that I was still wearing the collar that Seigi gave me. I set the knife down, unclipped the collar and took it off, exposing my throat. I held the collar in my hand for a moment, looking it over. Just as I was about to throw it down, I saw a small piece of paper taped to it. I didn't notice this before. I pulled at the folded piece of paper, tearing it away from the collar. I unfolded the paper, reading the message that was scrawled upon it. As I read the note, a single tear fell from my eye.
If you are reading this, then that means for some reason you took the collar off, whether it be that we spilt up or as simple as you took it off to sleep. If the latter is true, then you can stop reading here and throw this away, never having to worry about it again. If this is not the case, then continue reading.
I have felt something lately Kausn. Actually, it's more like I haven't felt something. I've been fighting it ever since our first fight, but things seem to be only getting worse. It seems I'm fighting a losing battle. Ever since our first fight, I haven't felt the love that was once there, the spark that made me want to stay. I'm fighting it Kausn, but it seems like it's no use. I'm proposing to you tonight, hoping that I can pull through this 'loveless time.' If I can't, I want you to know that I will always care for you, even if I don't love you as a mate. You are still my best friend, don't you forget that. I also have a secret to reveal to you. I've been gay for a while, even before the transformation. I've just never been to secure about it until now. I'm not sure if that means anything to you, but I felt you had to know. I know the reason I fell in love with you was based on a bet, but that didn't mean I didn't love you, once. I'm deeply sorry if I hurt you in any way, and I hope that if I left, you will find someone someday, someone that will actually be able to truly love you. I'm sorry Kausn, but I hate that I can't return the love that you have for me. Please, don't do anything rash. I will always care for you Kausn. Always.
Not Yours Truly Seigi, not Sincerely Seigi, just Seigi. I stared at the note, processing everything in it. The entire note made me feel worthless. He was trying to love me to protect me. I feel so terrible. He fought his true feelings just for me. How could I be so selfish and not let him go? I picked up the knife again, pressing it against my furry throat. I whimpered as I pushed the knife harder against my throat, wanting to punish myself for what I did to Seigi. I pushed harder still, and I felt blood starting to matt my fur. That stopped me in my tracks. "What am I doing?!" My voice started me a little bit, and I dropped the slightly bloody knife. I didn't know what justification I had for attempting suicide, but what ever it was, wasn't strong enough to make me go through with it. Maybe it was the thought of Seigi that saved me. Maybe there was still hope that he still cared for me enough to come back to me. I picked up the knife, examining it once again. The figure that stared back at me was me, and no one else. "What have I become? A fur who mopes around, attempting suicide, not giving a fuck about himself? I'M FUCKING WORTHLESS!" Yelling out in frustration, I threw the knife at the wall, it hitting the wall and slicing up to the handle like it was butter. I walked to the bathroom, turning on the sink and examining myself in the mirror. I observed the cut closer, realizing it was really only a flesh wound. I grabbed a cloth and wet it, wiping the fresh blood out of my blue and white fur. After a while, the cut stopped bleeding, and I cleaned it the rest of the way. When I was done, I looked at myself in the mirror, and was appalled at what I saw. What was once a caring, strong, somewhat confident Husky was now a weak, broken, and insecure excuse of a Fur. I saw all of my imperfections, exploiting them, thinking they were the reason Seigi left me. The realization hit me like a ton of bricks. "Seigi left me........because I'm me" I slunk down the bathroom wall, letting my head rest in my paws. "I'm so fucking pathetic. I can't even make love last." I eventually got up from the bathroom floor, making my way back out to the main room. This hotel suite felt so empty with no one to share it with. I walked over to the phone, gripping it in my paw. I had a fleeting thought of calling Seigi, but that thought passed when I realized he probably won't answer. That left me only one option really. Even though I haven't talked to her in months, I decided to call Hillary. I knew she would understand, and maybe she'd be able to help me. After the third ring, I almost gave up all hope of reaching her. Finally I heard a click, and the Snow Leopards voice came on the line.
"Hey Hills, it's Kausn." She was silent for a moment, but only for a moment.
"Kausn! Ohmygosh, it's so good to hear from you again. I heard about you and Seigi, and I think it's just so darn cute! I can't believe you haven't called me! How are you guys doing by the way?" I had a little trouble answering her last question.
"Well, we're kinda separated. He kinda, well, he left me. And I really just need someone to lend an ear."
"Oh Kausn, I'm soooooooooooo sorry. I'll listen to anything you have to say." So I spilled out everything that had happened to us, starting from when he first confessed his fake love for me up until I had attempted suicide. It took about an hour, and by the time I was finished, the sun was breaking over the horizon. It was officially Christmas day, and I had no one to spend it with. During the entire conversation, Hillary made a few comments, usually just muttering something so I know she was still listening. When I finally finished, I could tell she chose her words carefully.
"Kausn, you need to let go of Seigi. He's really no good for you. After everything I heard, he seems to just hurt you more than you need. You need someone that is strong, someone that will support you, someone that will always be faithful. You also need some serious help. Depression is a serious matter, and should be dealt with as such." He words took a moment to sink in, but when they did, I started yelling.
"HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO LET GO WHEN I LOVE HIM?!?!? HE IS MY WORLD, HILLARY! I NEED HIM!!" I was breathing heavily by the time I was finished, but she didn't give up hope on me.
"Kausn, you're just telling yourself that you need him. You really don't. Sure, it'll be hard, but you'll live. You'll find someone that can actually treat you like you deserve."
"BUT I DON'T DESERVE LOVE! I FUCK IT UP EVERY TIME! WHY DO YOU THINK SEIGI LEFT ME?!?"
"Because he's a dick, Kausn. It isn't your fault that he isn't devoted to you."
"YES IT IS! HE LEFT ME BECAUSE I'M ME! I'M FUCKING WORTHLESS!"
"Fine Kausn, believe what you want. If I can't change your mind, then no one can. Good luck." The line went dead, and the handset fell from my paw. The coldness of the room engulfed me, leaving a sinking feeling in my heart. I contemplated suicide again, thinking it was my only way out. Just when I thought I lost all hope, a shining light of hope came through. My cell phone rang, and I trudged over to answer it.
"Hello?" My voice sounded flat, defeated.
"Hello Kausn, it's Mr. Wolfe. I called to congratulate you and Seigi on a job well done last night. I also wanted to inform you guys that you'll be playing at the pre race show for the Daytona 500 in February. You guys will also be singing the national anthem. How does that sound?" His voice was clearly excited, but I surely wasn't. All I could feel was the emptiness that is depression.
"Well, Mr. Wolfe, we can't do it. Seigi and I are separated, and we will no longer be working together." I put extra emphasis on 'we'. Mr. Wolfe was shocked for a moment, but was able to continue.
"Wow Kausn, I'm sorry. Listen, if you don't want to do this..............."
"No, Mr. Wolfe, I want to do this. I have nothing left but music." I said it through gritted teeth. I just wanted to get back to lying on the couch, slowly wasting away my life.
"Ok Kausn. If you ever need anything, don't hesitate to call. I wish you the best."
"Thank you." I hung up, not wanting any more of his pity. I fell onto the couch, and despite everything, I started to cry. Crying felt meaningless now, like it wasn't really a way to express emotion, just something to do. I didn't really feel any particular emotion, yet I cried. I cried all morning, only getting up to either throw something or to go to the bathroom. By the time I was finally done, it was twelve o'clock noon. It felt like it'd been a year. I thought about Seigi, and how happy he must be right now, and how he probably doesn't even give a fuck about how I feel. My mind formulated a plan before I even realized it. I got up and walked to the bathroom, pulling out a razor blade from the cupboard. The plan I formulated was that every time I thought of Seigi, I would cut myself, therefore associating Seigi's memory with pain. This seemed like a foolproof plan. Soon, I won't even be thinking about him. So I hoped. I held the razor up to my forearm, and proceeded to dig it into the flesh and fur. I felt the pain, saw the blood, but that didn't stop me this time. I started to feel a little woozy, but I didn't care. I didn't stop until I cut something into my arm. I didn't realize it, but my arm spelled out something. My vision started to go fuzzy, as I was loosing a bit of blood. My white fur was stained red, and before I passed out, I read what I had carved into my arm.
When I awoke, my arm was throbbing with pain and I felt extremely dizzy. I tried to stand up, but that only made things worse, so I just stayed put, sitting on the bathroom floor. I stared at my forearm, reading the name that was carved into it over and over again. The blood had finally stopped flowing, it drying on my fur, matting it and making it all crusty. I sat there, loathing myself for what I had done, but more importantly, what I hadn't done. I finished my little self-beating session, and I stumbled out of the bathroom, trying to find something, anything to take my mind off the curse that was Seigi. I stumbled to the main room, falling onto the couch. I found my cell phone and looked at it, realizing that I had been out for almost the entire day and half the night. It was about a two minutes before midnight. "Merry Fuckin' Christmas, Kausn." I called Mr. Wolfe and told him to let me stay at the hotel. He agreed, and I hung up. I didn't want to leave this cursed place, as I felt it would be even harder to go back to our..........my apartment. I moped around for the next few days, basically starving myself, and beating myself up even more. I took full blame on Seigi leaving me, as it was my entire fault. I cut myself every night, and didn't care about anything anymore. I hadn't changed my clothes in days, and I haven't cleaned up any of the blood on my arms. My fur was now almost completely red, and the dye in my headfur was almost completely faded. The only time I ate anything was when I felt I absolutely needed to, and even then, it was just enough to keep me alive. I was literally killing myself over the breakup. It was a slow, painful death, and it happened from the inside out. The first thing that died was my will to live. Nothing mattered anymore.
It was New Years Eve, and I still was stuck in this hotel room, only leaving once to get a little bit of food. I had to wear a sweatshirt the entire time I was out to hide the name carved into my arm, and I got quite a few questioning glares. I found a newspaper stand and bought a newspaper, trying to stay at least semi updated on what was going on. I had lost about 15 pounds since Christmas, and I was now dangerously underweight. My eyes had lost all life, and I just looked like a wreck. When I got back to the suite, I looked at the newspaper, and saw Seigi and I on the front cover. I read the article, and it told of our proposal, and, most shockingly, our separation. I looked at the name that was given, and my lips curled in a snarl. I read the name. Alex Miller. "That fucking fox sold the story." I wasn't angry, and I blamed myself. "If I hadn't let Seigi change him, he never would have left me. Why do I have to be so stupid?!" I walked to the bathroom, torturing myself with my thoughts all the way there. I walked in and pulled out my razor, preparing to scold myself even more. Just as I pressed the razor to my uncut forearm, I heard a knock on the door. I threw down the razor in frustration, storming out of the bathroom. "Can't I just punish myself in peace?!" I sighed as I reached the door and flung it open. It took me a second to realize who was standing in front of me, and when I did, a growl started rising in my throat. I started to slam the door, but a paw prevented me from doing so. I growled, snarling at the person standing there. I wasn't afraid of the way I looked, as I didn't care anymore. I wanted to be dead to the world, and I certainly looked the part. When I finished snarling and growling, I stepped back, allowing the Fur in. The person I wanted to forget, the person that was my nightmare right now, was standing right in front of me. I growled again, and through gritted teeth, I asked, "What the fuck are you doing here, Seigi?"