by
Tyrse Styles
15 Feb 2012


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Posted 15 Feb 2012 17:25
Last edited 16 Feb 2012 04:12
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I hate myself

The journal says it all............

Well here I go...there's no easy way to say this but I feel like putting it out there. I officially hate myself, I'v hurt someone I said I would never hurt....my mate or rather former mate. For those of you who know me and him then you know we seperated for a short time not long ago, we quickly made up and tried to patch things together. I however failed to get myself back together fully, it never felt the same as it did before and I'v been stringing things along. I'd hoped that with time things would be back to normal but I was wrong.....in the end I just ended up hurting the one who was really putting his all into keeping us together. I couldn't even tell him I loved him in a text today, it didn't hold the same meaning for me anymore that it once did. Now he's hurt and I feel like such an ass, I could apologize....I did really but that just makes me feel like more of a bad person. He sent me flowers for valentines day....he lives 14hrs away and he sent them to me. I have them sitting on the fireplace making the whole room smell like flowers, I don't deserve them or anything for that matter. I'm a selfish, obstinant, pig-headed, rude, asshole and I did nothing more than end up playing with the heart of one of the sweetest people I'v ever met. I can't tell him I love him and get that warm feeling anymore, and no good can come of me consoling him......so I just left him alone. I won't call or text or PM, I'll just shut my mouth and let go. I deserve to be alone and I deserve to hurt for what I did, I did something to myself earlier I'm not proud of........but I felt was justified. I went and scarred the top of my hand, it's wrapped up now.....I claimed that I fell in the shower. The idea came from someone else I'v never met and yes I know it's stupid....I just want a reminder to what a bad person I'v been. I'll be less responsive for a while, I'm sorry to all my friends and followers who may attempt contact if I don't respond. It's the scars that you can't see that really hurt, and I'm the person who causes them.

 

Ok editing this for the general public I did not just up and leave him without notice, we did this over the phone privately. He was never uninformed I havn't been avoiding telling him, he knew before I posted this journal. This was posted because of that not as a backwards way of announcing it to him, so thank you all for your advice but as far as notifying him about this and talking that is said and done. Guess I should have been clearer on that point.


Captain Markus 2 years ago 0
Okay, I have never been in a relationship of any kind so I might not be right by saying this but I think I have to, stop being self destructive. Never think that anything you do makes you worthless or disgusting. People make mistakes. That means you do too. Apologize to him, and search deep within yourself for the love that you felt for him. I'm sure you'll find it. I saw how you two talked about each other, you both were passionate and loving towards each other. I want you two more than anything to get back together because I saw how much you loved each other, no matter what you say. You did each other the world of good. Letting go of someone like that is worse than talking to them. At least talking gives closure. Please, try everything. If that doesn't work, at least have a serious talk with him. Think of why you love him and why you got together in the first place. Please, don't let this just end so abruptly.
tidmatiger 2 years ago 0
Your not a bad person. You wouldn't feel like a bad person if you were one. Bad people dont care what they do to others and you obviously are not one of those people. Something I find true is that as humans we tend to hurt those whom we care about most. It's not intentional and is almost always regretted, but it's true.

Relationships are also extremely complicated things, but normally if it doesn't work out, it's for the better. Forcing something to work is like trying to shove a square peg into a round hole.

I can't control you and I dont even know you, but I would like to ask you to please not hurt yourself anymore...Things get better..eventually..somehow.
Amenophis 2 years ago 0
At least tell him clearly it's not working and that it is over, so he can move on. Not the silence treatment.
Alex Kitsune 2 years ago 0
Self-destruction is never the answer... never.

Because it will not just be yourself that you hurt, but the very people you love.

One can't just stop loving someone on the drop of a hat. It may take months, maybe years for that feeling to go away. But if you simply cease all contact.... than these feelings will never go away. There can never be closure....

Remember, any effort is still an effort....no matter how much or how little that effort is, it is still better than doing nothing.
Tobias Woadpaw 2 years ago 0
i once read this quote i have no idea who said it but i always keep it with me,

"Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves. Regret for the past and fear of the future."

there is no reason you should hurt your self, or blame your self for this. take some time and think over evry thing that you two were. remember how you felt when you were with him and remember the happy moments you shared. then look at the hard ones. look and see how you two grew closer and your bond strengthened because of those times.

now look forward and see what you two could become, see the new memory's and the warmth that you see in the smile on his face that made you so happy. the future is never set in stone you may not be able to say you love him at the moment but take time and think know that you can feel like you did before and you can be happy with him once again.

this could just be another bump on the path, another time that you will look back at and see how you both grew, and became closer to one another. all couples have situations they think make it impossible to remain together some give up and leave it at that but a few push through it emerging happier and closer then ever before.

i dont know either of you, but please dont give up on each other just yet. take some time apart and think it over and after you have and you chose to then get to know each other again and see the new life you two can have.

take that regret and acknowledge it

allow your self hope

and look forward not with fear but with confidence and strength knowing that nomater what you face you will not be alone and no mater what you will have each other.
trailstoride 2 years ago 0
Please don't ignore him. Not knowing, not talking, it is painful. To you and him. You may feel that not talking is kinder, but it is not. Tell him what you are going though. Show him this journal entry. Tell him if you need time to sort yourself out. But don't ignore him. I don't know you or him. I can't say if you will long for him and love him again. Likely you don't know yourself. Give yourself some time.

You are not a bad person - don't punish yourself. That you feel selfish, pig-headed, rude and an asshole shows you have feelings. This journal is reaching out. Don't bottle up your feelings. That is a sure way to hurt yourself, and others in ways you don't intend. Reach out to him, if only to tell him how you feel. He may be angry, or he may not. But if you ignore him, he will more angry in the long run.
BDog 2 years ago 0
Well...its fucking painful when your mate does like this, i've been there. But...would it be less painful if she told me "okay, now everything's over"? NO.

And it's also fucking painful when you do like this by yourself, i've been there too. You see, i felt like i'm not living my own life, i just couldn't tell him "go on without me please", cause he really had the power to stop me...and everything should start from the beginning, all this pain again...so i just didnt answer when he called. Even though 7 years've passed, still i have no strenght to talk to him. I just...loved him TOO much.

Just be yourself, listen to your heart and do what your heart tells you to do. And remember - it's YOUR life and you don't owe it to anyone. So just live it, and remember - there is NO "forever", and "never" and all things like that. Everything ends one day, it was good, now it's bad, soon the bad will pass you too. Good luck ;)