Hmm, you can say this is a mini-ending for Gerrald. But it isn't over!
Sadly I won't be able to post any more stories anytime soon...
"Hello, heeeellloooo," Jo waves at my eyes.
I snap from my daze and look at Jo, that wolf has his muzzle resting on one of his paws, looking at me, still waving with his other paw.
"You alright? Are we that boring?" Jin asks, "You were dazing away, staring at... well, us."
I flick my ear in a disinterested way, "mmfmhh" is all I can come up with, before I fold my arms on the table and rest my head on my forearms. Jin looks at Jo in bewilderment, trying to decipher what I've just babbled. Jo replies with a shrug, "Don't mind him, Typh is just tired. Whatever he just said... has no meaning at all."
You know, this is just one of the days where all of a sudden, you have no idea why, but you only want to rest and just not do anything. Even replying a conversation becomes a chore. It's not really a physical fatigue... I don't know how to explain. It's more like a loss of mood. There's just no mood to do stuff, to entertain other people. You just want to get on with your work and rest after that. I don't count it as a bad mood, since nothing actually happened to me. Is this what they call Pre-menstrual Syndrome (Gosh, it sounds like a disease.)?? But it's only for girls, and I'm more in a tired and lazy mood rather than in a foul mood. At least I don't snap at people and ask them to screw off.
No, I'm not angry or anything. I'm just not in the mood to do anything. Furs and other people tend to think that I'm angry at them, but no, I'm not such a hateful person nor am I that hot tempered. I don't flare up easily; usually I'm just annoyed and then I go sarcastic. But having no mood is different. I just don't wanna. I don't feel like responding. Perhaps I need a task manager to end this.
Gosh, did I just think of that? That's really lame.
Although I may be unresponsive, I still do understand what's going on. I'm aware of what's going on, I know what the two guys were saying earlier... something about carving shapes on a wooden block with a chisel. It's an interesting topic alright, but still...
There is just this magical mental exhaustion. Yesterday night, I was still confused and grinning about Jo, but this morning, now...
Well, at least Jo is there to cover for me. He understands me; he knows that sometimes I just go like that more than anyone else. Reasons may vary, from family issues, to lethargy, or making a wrong decision in game and failing a test. Today, I'll call it as lethargy then, since yesterday I had wavering thoughts for Gerrald.
Talk about Gerrald, I haven't seen him today yet. Where did he go? I don't really know where the bear of that size hide during break times. He doesn't appear at the cafeteria, neither is he doing work on one of the benches. Even my keen eyes can't catch him; sometimes he's like a ninja to me... and a big one too.
I sigh and look up, still resting my head on the table, seeing two of my friends writing on. We are just doing our work. I have started and finished way earlier than them because I wasn't joining their conversation. Both of them are looking at my work and scribbling down. You can't really say they are copying my work, more of a double-check because Jo occasionally writes on my paper, and I know he is most likely cancelling my wrong answers.
What is fairly new in this is that Jin is actually here. Usually, like I said, only Jo and I hang out around and about, with an occasional guest or clique joining us thanks to Jo. But Jin, that tiger is seated with us doing work. That's something that never happened before. Jin never stays around for long with us, much less sitting down and doing work. Unless you count that the tiger almost always sit with Jo in class.
Maybe it's because I've gotten closer with him these days? After I shamelessly borrow his phone to check on his contacts, he approaches me more often than before. Actually the tiger is pretty cool, his coat of fur is one; there's just something about a tiger's stripes, and big white tigers are very nice to look at. And due to genetics, his eyes are light blue, a lighter shade compared to mine. This large cat is very sporty; he likes kicking and hitting his poor old punching bag. If our school had a boxing team, I won't be surprised if he is the first to join. Jin is a leftie, making him more unique. His results are usually slightly lower than mine, but I don't think academic results matter to me.
Watching the tiger sit beside Jo, it's easy to compare the two of them. Jin is bulkier than Jo, surprisingly. Since Jo never watches his diet, it's magical where all the fats go. I've never seen Jo naked before for a long time, so I don't know yet. Perhaps he will go nude if I ask him to? I mentally shut that thought away. It's not really nice to exploit his feelings for my sinful indulgence. Oh, my libido.
"Done," Jo says and hands the paper back to me.
"Great, for once there's no homework. Unless the next few classes... But anyway, sorry for earlier, I just have no mood to chat," I say to Jin. Jo knows my odd mood swings.
"Oh, it's fine. Who doesn't have their down days? At least you're speaking properly now," Jin says with a chuckle, tail cracking like a whip.
"Rest till the bell rings?" Jo asks.
That's when I spot him. Yes, Gerrald. That bear that I've been looking for the past few months. But now, it seems to feel a little different. My eyes are still glued to that figure, but the feelings I have in my heart, they are not as raging as before. I still have a smile on my muzzle just by looking at him, but inside... those feelings seem dampened.
This is new to me; the desire is less strong than before. Am I to say that I no longer want Gerrald? Do I still like him? Deep down, I know my answer will remain as a 'yes'. I don't really think that I can ever forget completely about Gerrald. He is, after all, my first official highschool crush, my first in my life.
This is more about me, my desires for that bear is weakened. But I'm sure if Gerrald comes back after me, I don't think I'll say no. I don't need the bear anymore. I don't know if this is counted as giving up though. I still like him. I like him enough to let him go; not like the bear is mine in the first place, but... you know what I mean.
I feel Jo's tail brushing slightly against me. Lately, after I've told him about my attractions to Gerrald, Jo has been looking out for him too. But he is always slower than me in spotting the bear. Sometimes Jo jokes about me having an internal radar for that bear; I tell Jo it's just because I know what I'm looking for. Jo seems to shift closer to me after spotting the bear. Jin is oblivious to our actions, like staring into the same direction. The white tiger is scrolling up and down on his phone in idleness, humming a tune.
"Where are the others?" I ask Jin.
Jin looks up at me, "Eh? Who? Rico and the rest? Probably eating?"
I wanted to continue with 'Why aren't you eating with them?' or 'You will rather do work with us than to eat with your friends?', but I think it's kind of rude to ask so blatantly. I'm curious about why Jin isn't with his usual hangout friends, but I don't know how to go about asking without sounding rude.
Jo chooses a great time to cut in with a loud, "Oh I'm so bored."
I bet my tail that Jo did that to shift my attention away from the bear. He didn't really have to do that. I've just found out that I'm no longer that into the bear, didn't I?
Jin says with a smile, "Bored? Why not try and get a date? We will see how busy you are when you find someone you like, isn't that right eh, Typh?"
I can't help but give a grin when I agree with the tiger. It's funny because both Jo and I know very well that that someone is just right in front of the tiger, me. Jo obviously isn't going to tell Jin that he likes me... right?
"Nah, girls are too much for me. With schoolwork, dating won't be that easy, not like you don't know how demanding a girl can be, Jin," Jo reply.
Talking about being single, I remember Jo's suspicion about Jin. Taking the chance now, since the topic is here, I ask Jin, "Tiger, are you single?"
Jo quickly turns his head at me, frowning at what I'm about to ask.
Jin just smiles and replies, "Yep. You too, right?"
Hmm, interesting. "Hah, yeah. So why haven't you got a girl? Same reason as Jo?"
"Kind of, it's not like there are a lot of good girls here anyway. I'll rather sit here with you guys," Jin shrugs, "How about you?"
I think about my response before replying, "I don't know. Girls are just not attracted to my kind. It's not like I have a great body like either of you two, so... yeah. I'm sure girls naturally will come to you guys, isn't it?"
"Really? Girls don't like your type? That's surprising."
I smile at Jin, "Oh? What makes you say that?"
Actually, I do want to know Jin's answer, but Jo seems to be unable to take our conversation anymore, that grey wolf jabs into our conversation with a loud, "Let's not talk about girls right now, please?" Jo then shoots me with an annoyed glare. I decide against rebutting Jo with 'Then let's talk about guys!' because it will be quite inappropriate.
I sigh and listen on while Jo steers the conversation topic away from relationships. My eyes start to look around for Gerrald, just out of habit. This time, I find him downstairs, just walking pass with his friends. I don't really like Gerrald's friends. Gerrald is okay, but the friends are... not as nice. I sometimes wonder why Gerrald bothers hanging around with them. His friends, unlike him, are rowdy, loud and kind of a show-off... or at least that's the impression they give me. I seriously can't believe Gerrald will hang out with them. Perhaps the bear is secretly like them? Or his friends have a nicer side of them?
This is also one of my fears of liking that bear. What if the bear is not the same as what I expect? The image of him in my mind may not be the same as the actual one. What if deep down, that bear is a big, mean jerk? All the information about him that I've collected over the months... can they be lies?
Gerrald met his friends last year during his voluntary work and have been hanging out since then. If I've known the bear for more than eight months, I think I may have considered joining and being friends with him. Who knows, we could have been great friends, I may be downstairs joining him, talking.
Ah, but things didn't work out that way, and there's no point thinking otherwise. Gerrald doesn't know me, doesn't want me, and doesn't need me. Why do I have to cling on to him? The feelings in my heart... suck.
I need to make a decision. I need that determination to forget about Gerrald. I fiddle with my phone, scrolling down my contacts back to '?'. I decide for myself that I will try out a call to him, just one. If he picks up, I'll tell him about my feelings. If he doesn't... then it's fated; we are not meant to be, even as friends. I'm giving my feelings one last chance. I'm not going to do this now, I will do this when my two big friends are working out, where Jo won't be able to overhear or stop me.
I puff out air as I take in deep breaths.
Those two are off to do their weekly workout. Jo has been kind of snappy after the conversation I have with Jin, but this isn't the time to think about it now.
I'm now at one of the study tables on the second floor. I've finish my work for the day (which include the weekends, yay!) surprisingly. I peer down and look at the brown figure below me. I feel like a sniper, being so sneaky. But this is important.
I rub my cold paws together and blow at them. Damn, this is nerve wrecking. Where did all my courage go? My finger hover the call button as I debate whether I should call the bear below me. For one, I don't know if the number is correct. What am I going to say if he picks up? Oh my gosh, planning this in my head and doing it on actual is really different. Am I being rash?
I stare hard at the phone and watch my finger tremble at the call button. I grit my teeth and my finger accidentally pressed that damn button.
Fuck, fuck, fuck! Should I hang up now? But I've already pressed it! What should I do???!!
I'm on the verge of tears when I hear the voice speak. Gerrald has his phone on his round ears, questioning the dialler.
"G-Gerrald... I'm sorry to disturb you; can you turn around and look up?" I try hard to keep my voice stable.
I watch as the bear finally, after several months, look up and look at me.
"Do you recognise me?" I ask.
"It's okay if you don't," I cut him, "I... just needed to tell you that I really, really like you for a long time. Don't worry, I won't disturb you, not at all, I just wanted to tell you... W-Well, goodbye then..."
Or that's what I imagined.
My phone dials on, but as I look down at the bear, he doesn't seem to have any reaction. Maybe his phone wasn't with him? I watch as the bear doddle a running man and showing to his friends.
This is it. My call is directed to the voicemail. Gerrald didn't pick up my one last chance. I... I have no idea what to feel. I'm relieved in a way, because I've tried to call him; it's only that he never picked that up. Even if it isn't his number that I'm dialling, our destiny is that our paths will never cross. But a part of me is disappointed, that I have no doubt.
I slump on the table and rest my head, admitting defeat for the first time in months. Still, the feelings never once changed. I no longer feel for Gerrald, but if he comes to me...
Jo, on the other side isn't really that well either.
Not that I tell him about my call with Gerrald. The wolf has been acting a little different during the dinner with Jin. I ask him 'what's going on' when we walk back and reach near the outside of his house... and Jo isn't a happy canine right now.
"Are you okay, Jo? Just now, when Jin-" I say.
"JIN!" Jo barks out, shocking me a little, "Typh, I don't like it!"
I debate touching Jo, what if he goes all out on me?
"Don't like... what?" I ask quietly.
"I don't want you to flirt with other guys!" Jo turns around to look at me, sniffing a little, "and you have to flirt with Jin right in front of me! You know I'm *gulp* possessive of you... I get jealous and... and..." Jo speaks softly after the gulp, ears slowly flattening out.
I sigh and move closer to Jo, "Jo! You've got to understand that I am really not yours to begin with. I have no obligations to stop myself for you. And I wasn't flirting with Jin!"
"I just don't like it," Jo whines, "I... I'm sorry. I shouldn't be like this. I don't want to make you feel guilty letting me wait, but I didn't know liking someone is so tough..."
I... I have never seen Jo being so possessive or frustrated before. He isn't usually like that at all. Hopefully his behaviour isn't permanent, or any new male friends I have will be slaughtered by Jo.
"Jo, don't be unhappy. I don't like it if you are to be jealous over every guy I talk to, that will be too much. It's not like I'm not giving you any chance, you know?" I say.
Jo seizes me by my shoulders and pushes me against the wall. He isn't being rough, but his gesture isn't exactly gentle too.
"You know," Jo whispers to me, "That I have thought of forcing myself onto you. You're teasing me really bad. I don't have an answer from you, but I know I must wait. I... I'm very tempted to do things to you right now and there's no one here."
Jo comes closer to me, and I had to supress my arousal. "Jo. Is this the way you prove yourself to me?"
Jo is a handsome wolf with a hot body. With my feelings and urges, I don't have much resistance. But... this isn't right.
Jo shakes his head, "No, of course not. I just want to tell you how much I want you. I don't want you to feel that I'm just after your body. Sorry. I know better than to assault you. It must be the hormones talking again. I haven't been doing it for a long time, you know."
I smile at Jo, then snake my arms around him and pull him close into a hug. I realise that I'm partially at fault that Jo is behaving like this. I'm not like a Gerrald to him, it's different. Jo knows me, and he knows I'm willing to be with him if I choose so. I nuzzle his chest, while his eyes widen in surprise.
"I'm sorry, Jo. As an apology, let me tell you a secret that I just have it not long ago??"
"No, I'm the one who is sorry, I'm rushing you," Jo sniffs, tears falling off his muzzle. Jo didn't hug me back, "But I'm still fine with secrets."
"I don't want Gerrald anymore."
But the wolves didn't know that their phones have notifications.
One has a missed call, and the other has a message from Jin.