Short poem made shortly before the post, and a short return speech maybe.
From Whence Came Love
Calleth thyself an angel
Yet it be of a selfish nature
Thine eyes show a deceitful sincerity
Thy lips cooperate not with thy body
A clandestine gaze becomes yet a glare
When the softness and beauty of thy petals becomes but a question
Transcendant perfection that hath no reflection
When we both look in the mirror
One side bears love
The other brings scorn
As the beauty and the beast are of the same coin
Morals have left thee as thy role is played
The new paint peeling from the hidden image behind
Betraying thine own heart as you cast your love wildly
But from whence came love
Knoweth not thyself
Seeking bitterly for comfort when you knoweth not what comfort is
Seeking coldly for warmth when you thaweth not thy own heart
Seeking blindly for guidance as you wander from those who offer it
Seeking lonesomely for companionship when you offereth not thyself
Seeking scornfull for love when all you accept inside is hate
From whence came thy ability to love
And wherefore carrieth thee mine
Another bizarre poem like the ones I used to do, I suppose. I'm not sure where that one came from though. I made it less than an hour ago.
I digress though, though that's nothing new.
Ever since events last June, I've been trying to axe out parts of me that tied to someone that I was extremely close to. ... Actually, I've been trying to do stuff like that for over a year now. I've just recently started coming to terms with a lot of things that have been happening since then and how much I've missed exactly while hiding myself away. A lot of time wasted on self pity, even though most of it was still self reflection that never kept me from blaming myself for other people's betrayals.
I'm supposed to be an adult already and yet I'm still carrying everything around even as I try to forget everything. There's some free ammo for those out there that would like to send a random attack at me.
Even while wallowing around in that self pity, I've been trying to help others out as a sort of counselour. Over the time, I've found it to help me more while I tried to help them than sitting down on my bed and thinking about how things used to be in the past, on how close I used to be with people, on how I used to be able to get stuff done, unlike the present after everything had crashed and... well, most of those things burned before they even hit the ground really, but the point is still the same.
This really isn't meant to be for everyone out there. I'm not a well known person. There are times when I'm not even a well LIKED person because of mood shifts I seem to have quite often. This is more aimed to those that have worried about me since my last journal post on here, back at the end of June when I lost the person that I thought knew me best and that I thought would be the last person to do me in the way he did.
I'm wanting to make a comeback. I'm wanting to finally get back to doing like I used to do, and that's putting everything that I am on the line so that I can become something better. ... Or at least, that's what I was WANTING to do, and I think that was where I'd been messing up.
With that (at the time) friend, I always felt more like I was someTHING instead of someONE, but he was always there for me and had my back like I had his. That was something I never had, and I was willing to be just a thing just so I could keep that because of how I finally felt purposeful, as though I was only some kind of tool. It reminded me of how submissive I was back then, always willing to break my own rules and morals just to keep that. Breaking my own codes of silence, of trust, of honor,... breaking myself down just to keep him around.
*shakes his head*
If there's anywhere to start, that's the place right there. I want to be someone again. I want to retemper my willpower so that I can't ever be used and abused like that again, and I want to prove, especially to him at the end, that it can be done without having to resort to killing or sealing one's own emotions.
... That's my return for real life.
As for here,... I haven't even been able to bring myself to write again, even as I've gotten ideas for every story I've ever started working on and have finished most of them in my mind. It used to be something that I could do to help keep me in some sort of balance because I could relay part of who I was, a side that I could barely communicate to others. It helped me communicate better with other people.
That's something else that I also want to work on while I work on patching up my life in other, more than like more important, areas. Otherwise, coming back to SF again will be... impossible at best.
To those that think that this is only a post to get a spotlight on me again, I apologize.
To those that read this and hate how sappy it all sounds, I apologize.
To those that were insterested in my writing and were disappointed in me not continuing it as I had promised several times, I apologize.
To the people that I care about like family on here that have had to put up with me being not myself, I apologize.
But to those that attack who I am and try and tell me to change who I really am, I'm not gonna apologize or bend to those preferences anymore. That's what got me into this hole that I've been in, and I sure as hell ain't gonna fall into it again, not while I still have other people that I've promised to help past my own issues.
Thanks to those that read this, and the only thing I ask is for an occasional person to wish me luck. Just don't consider it something necessary.
Sylvar Foxx ( 5 March 2012, 2:56 AM CST )