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OhGodOhGodOhGodOhGodOhGOD!!! WHAT DID I DO!?!?
Blinded by fear, rage, and sorrow, I punched a fourth hole into the wall. Only now I realized my hand wasn't broken because I unknowingly willed the metal from my new chest plate onto my fist. But whether it was there or not, the pain in my hand couldn't possibly compare to the pain in my chest.
Currently, I was walking down a long hallway in the ruined part of the complex, trying to get away from everyone and be alone with my thoughts. After Kyla woke up and saw what was happening, the air in that room hung thick for an entire minute before anyone said anything. I wanted to explain what was going on to my girls, but they kicked me out of the room before I could. I tried to protest, but Kyla slammed the door and froze it in place. We both knew I could've easily broken it down if I wanted to, but that'd just make her angrier. The only thing I heard her say to Cali before walking away was 'We need to talk about him and us RIGHT NOW.' I didn't stick around to see how Cali would respond.
Either way, she was pissed, Cali was pissed, and I'm back to being an emotional wreck.
I loved, I lost. I loved again, I nearly lost. Love showed up again, and now I've probably lost them both...
I have nobody to blame but myself. This isn't like those situations you read about all the time where someone goes to the bathroom, gets sexually assaulted by a jealous antagonist, and then their lover walks in at the climax and gets the wrong idea. This was a thousand times worse because it's all my doing. I kissed Cali during a moment of weakness, and Kyla woke up at the perfect time to get the clear message:
I'm... not over Cali at all.
Now I realize it. I thought I was, but when she was right there in front of me, I couldn't hold myself back.
I could visualize the Cali inside my head from earlier mocking me; saying that I knew this was coming and I should've been better prepared. If I ever take a bad hit to the head again, that's most likely what'll happen.
She is NOT Cali... She's me. I'm stamping on my own goddamn heart!
In a final fit of anger, I stopped in front of another room and punched a hole clean through the wall, knocking down the door and other large chunks of debris in the process. As the door fell to the ground, the metal plate that identified the room broke off, landing right-side up. Apparently, the room number was 67-B.
Wait... Room 67-B? That's Kyla's room! I didn't even recognize where I was!
Now I felt even worse, having just completely wrecked her wall. I don't think she would care about this little incident very much compared to earlier, but it just added to my own guilt.
Out of sheer curiosity, I decided to step through the hole in the wall and take a look around. Like most rooms I'd previously seen, it was completely thrashed and ransacked, leaving nothing recognizable remaining. I've only been in here once, so I couldn't recall what it previously looked like anyway. But it's not like Kyla was in here during the OGD invasion, which meant that whoever did this to her room did it out of pure malice. That pisses me off. I sat on her bed to try and cool down, but I noticed something starnge about her mattress. It felt like there was something buried right where my left leg was. I stood up and felt around the area, which told me it was something small and thin. Rather like a notebook. That means there's a 99% chance it's a journal.
Should I dig it up and read it?
I mean, logic says 'no, it's Kyla's personal sentiment, you asshole.' But my gut was telling me there's something in there that can help me better understand Kyla's mind, and hopefully help my case with her and Cali.
Screw it, I'm going for it.
Using the metal on my fist to create a small knife, I cut away and removed the top layer of the mattress, revealing a small light blue book. It looked well-worn in, showing that Kyla's written quite a lot in there. I sat back down, opened the journal to the first page, and for better or worse, started to read.
March 5th, 2012
I've decided to keep a journal of my time at Human Advancement CO. so that hopefully one day I can look back on all these experiences (and those surely to come) and laugh. Nothing too fancy, just a few lines here and there every few days.
I've finally gotten a feel for my new body, and I'm glad I can still write perfectly with my new hands. Typing is easy, but nothing can compete with a nice hand-written sentiment. I just hope I don't accidentally freeze this journal anytime soon! Today wasn't particularly special, but tomorrow is the day I meet my teammates. I have no idea who they are or what they'll be like, but I'm sure we'll all find some common ground in no time.
I turned the page.
March 6th, 2012
Their names are Ross and Evan; a lion hybrid and a wolf hybrid. We definitely found common ground, that's for sure. I thought I had it bad, but it seems that Z-Day's taken something from everyone here. But the silver lining is that they want to be my new family in spirit, and that's exactly what I wanted all this time. I couldn't be happier right now.
This time, I skipped ahead one week into the journal.
March 13th, 2012
Well, nobody said killing zombies all day would be easy, but I'm definitely the only one who doesn't find it fun. To me, it's just work, plain and simple. To Ross and Evan, it's like a sport. I know they're just being guys and having their fun, and in a world like ours, fun is a must. But I just wish they understood that everyone they've slaughtered was once someone's friend or relative. I don't know, maybe I'm being too sensitive about this...
On another note, there's one hybrid here that keeps catching my eye. I don't know what it is about him, but he stands out from the rest. He's really cute though, and I never thought I'd be attracted to anyone here, especially someone only half human like myself. If I can, I'm going to ask around and find out more about him.
Huh, I wonder who she could possibly be talking about... Now I was getting close to what I wanted to see. I turned the page and kept reading.
Ides of March, 2012 (Ha, I'm such a nerd.)
His name is Greg. By a chance encounter, I found one of his friends early this morning and asked what he's like. I don't remember the friend's name, but I recognized him from Team Delta, another top-tier group. He told me that Greg's a great guy once you get to know him and get around his frequent moodiness, and that despite everything, he really knows how to make people laugh. I also asked him where Greg's room was so I could "accidentally" run into him. Of course, I didn't tell the friend why, oh no. But I did ask him to keep quiet about me taking an interest in Greg, which he said he would. Hopefully tomorrow will be the day...
That one made me chuckle. I never thought that Kyla had been stalking me, much less asking my friends for intel...
March 16th, 2012
It worked, I finally got to talk to him! My timing couldn't have been better either; by the time he came out of his room this morning, I was right behind him. He didn't say much, but I could tell it's because he hasn't talked to a girl in a while. I found that to be very cute, actually. But the best part was that during breakfast, I overheard him talking to one of his teammates, an arctic wolf hybrid, about me. I couldn't make out the entire conversation, but Greg looked happy about the situation, and that's all I could ask for at this point. If I give him a few hints here and there, maybe he'll become the stalker instead of me... Tee hee!
I still remember that morning. I was happy that a girl had taken interest in me, but I was also still grieving over Cali a whole lot, which quickly quashed my happiness. Eventually, I told Francis about my past when he questioned why I wouldn't immediately follow through with Kyla. I couldn't think of anything to say but the truth. It felt good to finally tell someone, though that was the real reason why I remember that morning so clearly.
All right... One more entry, then I go back and try to talk to my girls. I can't keep putting this off.
I turned to the last page Kyla wrote on, and read the final entry in the journal. If anything, this one should tell me what I want to know.
November 28th, 2012
IT HAPPENED!!! I still can't believe it, but it finally happened! Greg came to me and flat-out said he wanted to start a relationship. And he kissed me! Oh GOD it felt good! I'm still completely out of breath, since it happened only an hour ago. I can barely even write!
But it's not an entirely happy moment. Greg told me why he's been avoiding me all the time, and I correctly guessed that it was another woman. The only thing I got wrong was the circumstance. He lost his previous girlfriend on Z-Day right after he found out his parents were dead, and it haunted him all this time. The way he described it... I felt like crying. But I plan on helping him get over it, for his sake and my own.
One thing's for sure, though: I love him. I wanted to show him exactly how much I love him the only way a woman can, but I'm not going to rush into this. I've never been in a relationship before, so I'm not about to screw anything up. Hopefully after tomorrow's mission, we can get to know each other better (in a non-sexual way, of course). But when we ARE ready, I know EXACTLY what I'm going to do to him. I'm gonna-
"I thought you'd come here. Anyone ever tell you it's not polite to read a girl's diary?"
In a panic I dropped the book and turned around to see Kyla leaning against the doorframe, but looking much more relaxed than she was a few hours ago.
"Kyla! I'm sorry, I---"
She giggled. "You don't have to apologize, Greg. There's a lot in there that you probably already know anyway." She walked over to her journal and picked it up from the floor, her smile growing wider upon seeing what entry I was reading. "It was right after you left on that special night when I wrote this. That wonderful, magical night... But now it seems that the magic's faded, huh?"
I grabbed the journal and tossed it onto Kyla's bed so I could take hold of her petite, furry hands. "Kyla, PLEASE listen to me. I still love you just as much as I did during that night, and Cali coming back into my life hasn't changed that. The first time, I had to kiss her so she'd know it was me, but the kiss you saw was me being weak and realizing that I'm not over her. There's no other way I can rationalize it; I love you and her. I know it's not fair to either of you, but I just can't help it! I---"
Kyla held two fingers up to my lips and shushed me. "Greg, I said it seems the magic's faded, not 'we're through, get the hell out of my room.' I guess I should leave the sarcasm to you... Now, you won't believe this when I tell you, but I understand."
.........She's right, I DON'T believe it!
"At first, yes, I was really upset to wake up and see you playing tonsil hockey with Cali. But after we kicked you out and had a chance to talk, I took some time to think all this over. In the long run, we're all at a loss here, Greg. So believe me when I say I understand that it's been an emotional roller coaster for you all this time, and I understand that you're struggling. And most of all, I understand that you've been grieving over Cali much longer than you've been with me. I'm not angry with you, but I'm also not too happy about this whole situation."
I needed a moment to take that all in. "You... Really?"
Kyla sighed. "Yes. And no matter what I saw or what I might have thought earlier, I still love you, too Greg." She pulled me in and gave me a peck on the cheek. However, when we returned to an eye-to-eye level, her expression had turned serious. "But let me make something abundantly clear right now. Until you figure out who you want to be with, we're taking a break. You knew that was coming."
Sadly, I did. "Okay. That's for the best."
Her smile returned. "I'm glad you see it my way, then." She tucked the journal into her back pocket and walked towards the door, motioning for me to follow her. "Come on, let's get out of here and go back to everyone else. You've got another unhappy girlfriend to talk to..."
I stood outside the door, trying to mentally rehearse what I was going to say to Cali.
'I wasn't cheating on you...'
'Just let me explain my side of the story...'
'I thought you were dead, what the hell was I SUPPOSED to do!?'
Forming individual thoughts was easy, but forming a complete argument was tough. I definitely lucked out with Kyla comprehending my plight, but Cali used to be tough to out-argue. Maybe the best thing to do right now is not think, and just say what comes to mind.
But before I could think of a better idea, the door opened and Harry walked out. I was so wrapped up in my thoughts I must've not noticed his voice mixing with Cali's behind the door.
"Oh... Hey, Greg." He looked surprised to see me. "Where the hell have you been all this time? No one could find you."
I tried to not play it off too dramatically. "Nobody but Kyla, apparently. I took a walk, just to try and clear my head. Punching a few holes in the wall really helped. What were you doing in there?"
Harry grinned like the smartass he was. "Well, someone had to keep Cali company after she and Kyla finished arguing. Kyla left to look for you, and I went in to apologize for earlier, but then the two of us started talking. Mainly about you."
Ugh, this could be either very good or very bad...
"That makes me kind of apprehensive, Harry. What did you say about me?"
He patted me on the back. "Don't worry, man, I put in the good word for you. I told Cali that I'm your closest friend here, so she bombarded me with questions about you and Kyla. To make a long story short, she blames herself for your months of suffering, but she's equally as upset about everything else. Talking to her now might be a bad idea, in my opinion. She said she still wants to be alone."
Normally, I'd completely agree with that. But I've come too far to back away now.
"I don't care, I'm going in anyway. I need to talk to her."
Harry shrugged and walked away, off to whatever activity a person not in my position could enjoy. I took a deep breath, opened the door, and walked in. Cali was quietly sitting on the bed, now wearing a uniform much like ours; a tank top shirt with military pants and boots. The only difference was that her left arm was mostly bandaged, presumably so she could hide her scars from the world. She sat with her arms wrapped around her legs, looking as down as I was. Upon noticing I had entered the room, her expression remained unchanged.
I sat next to her on the bed. "Can we please talk? Let me explain this fucked up situation."
She sat in silence for what seemed like an eternity before answering. "No. Not now. I just want to think."
Against my better judgment, I pressed on anyway. "Look, Cali, yesterday I---"
"Yesterday was Z-Day, Greg! At least to ME it was!" Cali shouted. It felt like a stab in the heart, since I've almost never heard her raise her voice before. "The last thing I remember was staring death right in its rotten eyes, and having my arm treated like a fucking chew toy!" She clutched her bandaged arm as she said that. "And now, I wake up a day later, and see that everything's different, especially you. Despite your warm welcome, you're like a completely different person now! I could literally never see you with anyone else, but here we are!"
She was trying not to cry, but I could see tears leaking out of her eyes. It was hard not to follow suit.
"Cali, I can't---"
"Just give me more time to think. Please..."
Before I knew it, I was back at my temporary room, ignoring everyone along the way and closing the door behind me. I turned off the light and plopped onto the bed, not even bothering to take off any clothes or armor. All I could do was lay there and stare at the ceiling, waiting to fall asleep after yet another painful day.
Just me, no Cali and no Kyla.
Just me and my thoughts.
Just me. Alone once again.
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