my world in action
At the time it seemed like a good idea...
Sitting in what used to be my apartment I recalled all that had happened, once again, as painful as every other time. Coming out of high school thinking it won't be long tell you find your path, that's what everyone thinks at that point right?; That things change?, That there is always a path to fallow. Someone to tell you were to go and what to do.
When are you supposed to realize it's all you? When are we supposed to start becoming? I have spent my whole life wishing I could be a doctor or a highly prized mechanic or technician. After high school I quickly found out things don't change, and you will always be the same person. Soon after I was on my way to cheating the government just as I had in high school. Just doing what it took to get another nickel and another day. Now I wish I had taken the anatomy physiology classes and did my own work. I wish so much I could redo it all.... This is no way for a twenty year old to think is it?
This should be the way we all think "if only I knew then, what I know now" some lyrics I can't recall the name of the artist to, Its Probably Kill switch Engaged or Slip Knott... meh not my usual. *shrugs* I have just had an extreme bout of depression brought on by the realization that in three days I have to leave my apartment with no were to go and no job in the middle of kenai alaska March, 2012.
Perhaps I should have gone looking for a job at Mc Donald's instead of being picky and wasting time. If there was one thing I could go back and explain to myself it would be something of about this nature: All math you learn in the beginning, is the exact same math used for everything... oh, wait I remember hearing that a few times.
So what of it then? How to fix this?... I guess I'll have to fight my way into a crappy job and work my way back to my becoming... if only I won't forget and fall again. But that's exactly how it happens every time.
Sighing again I roll over on my bed and stare about the sun lit room. The walls are bear with a few nails left poking from it, as if to say. "Hey, didn't think you'd see me again did ya".
"Ugh" I groaned and wrapped the leopard print blanket about me before opening my eyes again. Sitting up I brushed my lap top and some cloths out of the way of my feet then stared at the pile that consumed my entire bedroom floor and was made up of duffel bags of all my cloths, belongings and tools.
Standing a little too quickly I began to rub my eyes with my left hand and reached through a curtain I had hung in front of my door. It was too late, before I could reach the door I began to fall backwards and my head and body swam tingling. Inside I knew what was happening and tried to breath as heavily as possible, no really telling if I had passed out or not. As the tingling passed I rubbed my face trying to rid myself of frustration and regain my stance.
Reaching for the door again I stepped into the short hallway between three bedrooms a bathroom and the rest of the apartment, walking straight across into the bathroom to make use of the facility and linger in the mirror. The mirror, my favorite phase of being in time.
I would always linger here usually to discuss with myself whatever's on my mind at the time.
"What the fuck am I going to do"? "Job center, go online, turn-." As I talked to myself, stating the things I should do and the jobs I should look for I mauled over oil companies and small jobs for the time until I would hopefully get a good job.
It didn't make sense to me, Im an ok mechanic with a lot of experience as a laborer and I can't get a job.
Before walking out of the bathroom I closed the outer two of three mirrors so I could see three reflections. "All at one time" I smiled weakly and closed the mirrors watching as the multiple apparitions of myself turn to one.
Walking back into my room I brushed out of the way the curtain blanket showing a close up of two wolves stepping under a spruce branch. As I did I muttered to myself going over another one of my most recent rambles and gathering clothes for the day. "The world is all in time." I thought of a sign wave as I dropped my dirty boxers to the floor and began brushing my white and black chest fur flat with a lazy paw. "We are all at one time" I continued to sort through what was left of my clean cloths and pulled on another pair of boxers. "Everything is a phase of existence at time, zero and one... unlike forces attract, like forces repel." With a sigh I pulled on a gray short sleeved shirt and a pair of flaming pajama pants, then atop of those a pair of warn blue jeans.
After a brief breakfast and coffee I set into action throwing on my only foot were a three hundred dollar pair of steel toe boots and a gray hoody. Closing the door behind me I made my way out to my truck. Unplugging the truck I stepped around the shoulder height hood and hopped in the old rusting red ford custom pick up. Wiggling the stick I hit the key but was startled by a loud clicking noise.
With a sigh of exasperation I flung the door open and pulled the hood release. Once outside I began to diagnose the clicking with a look at the battery terminals, after that checked out I applied a battery charger I had on hand and walked back inside.
Walking through the apartment complex I passed the landlords door, she was a nice old lady never complainant, always nice and helpful. But also the reason I would have to leave or at least the authority of reason. The idea came to mind like a bad record as I recalled how my friend had recently lost his place and instead of going to his family decided to ask me for help, of coarse being naturally helpful, pathetically empathetic, and would do anything to help another, I let him stay a few nights. Before the end of the second night my landlord had been informed I had a dog in the house and was warned of eviction. So to fix the situation I put his dog in my truck. Cool that works but now the landlord says I have someone not on the lease living here and im evicted straight up, end of story.
It is luck he agreed to let my sister and her two kids stay. So generous am I to make the deposit on the place and pay most of the bills. *sigh*
Rising from my spot where I had sat pouting on the couch for nearly half an hour in a state of daydream I stretched and made for the door again.
Coming to the front of the truck again I unplugged the charger and pulled the contacts. Trying the key the result was the same, clicking. It appears my battery had been mostly dead from issues pertaining to air flow and the carburetor at the same time as the drive line falling off the rear the day before and now the battery had frozen. Pulling the terminals off I removed the dead battery and replaced it with another I had in the pickup. Finishing up fastening the terminals I again jumped into the truck, this time it fired immediately as I turned the key and purred like a straight six cylinder kitten.
As I drove my mind was distracted considering, what is octave... and key? Then it strayed to a day in school the previous year when my professor had interrupted my work and told me to strike a few notes with my voice and display octave. Not knowing the point to be made I unsurely began displaying what I thought was striking one note at a time and increased by one in octave at each point. I cannot recall if he said I was changing key or octave as he had asked and my cheeks burned with embarrassment as I shook the thought from my head with my ears held flat.
I loved to sing a lot on my own but had never had the desire to learn music in high school as I do now, again consideration of all the things I should have done went through my mind and my stomach sunk like it was full of hard brick.
Pulling into the job center I chose a spot and killed my truck hoping out to make way for the bed of the truck. Hefting a small heavy bag from the bed fallowed by a considerably lighter one, each the size of a bowling bag and full of expensive tools, I tossed them in the cab and locked the door nabbing my folder off the dash and headed inside.
After hours of searching through jobs I had made a big stack of applications and pondered how I would get most of them in, mentally imaging the state of the gage at empty when I had shut the truck off. "Sigh. I hope I make it home."
After faxing most of the applications and resumes along I made my way out of the job center and walked next door to the career support center hoping for a gas voucher, unfortunately I had already gotten one this week and after spending all my money on u-joints and gas from my last overly eventful trip job hunting I had absolutely no way of making it to NSTC classes the fallowing morning. "Fucked up they pay for the class but not to get there." My thoughts reflected the burning rage that was me.
Walking out to my truck I made way to the passenger door of my truck and unlocked the one good lock reaching over the tool bags to reach the lever for the bad driver door, then I Tossed the tool bags in the back next to the rusted chrome roll bars.
It seemed the rest of the day was mine alone without minuets for my crap phone and no gas to go any were. Sprawled on the couch sleep took me for the first time in the last two days.
Dreams swept by of motors and electricity interrupted by thoughts of life and recent love. A girl I had known in high school had found me one day in the job center and I ended up dating her for about a week before I stayed at her house for a night, I had never considered her in the light I had seen.
"So horrible" I thought. "To just hate life so much you do nothing and make all of those with and around you suffer."
I didn't linger long and the relationship just as quickly ended. After one sits for so long in self-loathing the evidents of the life style begins to show in clutter, trash, and the most unfortunate state of a child to the point it brought tears to my eyes.
I hated to see one left like that but they weren't mine to change right... "Ouch my heart." I could have stayed and maybe made a life for all of us or, more likely, I could fall with them. To this day I still think about her not knowing. Wishing I had some one worth holding... someone who though I was worth holding, but I didn't love her and she wouldn't change...
It is hard to tell. Am I so shallow as to hold her life style against her? Am I so low as to except such a thing I have fought tooth and nail to leave behind as a reflection of my unforgotten childhood? I would be just the same if I hadn't gotten into school like I did. Or would I have made it working a crap job in town. One thing is for sure I would take nothing in exchange for what I learned in school, I just wish I could learn more like neurology in quantum relation to magnetic induction. My desires were like stacks of gold to a peasant; Doctor, technician. I wanted to study in my fields of desire for the rest of my life.
now my dreams really took a spin as I sat in the street on a warm summer night with the sky still blue from the early sun, looking around suddenly im standing up and trying to drag my demolished dirt bike off the road then take off running to a truck a long ways down with dents and scratches all down the driver door. I got lucky, he missed.
Screams and giggles awoke me from my sleep and I wiped tears of self-hatred from my shame burdened eyes. Standing quickly I went to my room to escape the parade that announced the arrival of my sister and her two daughters, Cute little buggers.
Walking to my room my thoughts went over what kind of lover I would want. Kind and loving with a sense of humor. but I wanted someone who would understand we have flaws and sometimes we need help to overcome them. I had a lot of flaws but would dedicate myself to my becoming if only to prove my dedication to those I loved. I donno I just want to have love and be loved.
The way things change in time is obviouse but painfully slow. A few weeks working at subway and some call backs from the oil field and im looking for a new apartment. Having no cash I owed people a total of at least two hundred for gass money and I still haven't been paid im still in the same boat with a different paddle.
Waiting to start my new, new job and get things moving again with new plans of college in the fall something like computer science.